Question: I know my kid's going to grow up to be a lawyer! He argues
whenever he's asked to do something. He debates his rights when he's asked
to stop doing something. He pleads his case when I tell him he can't do
something. He disputes every rule I create. How can I put an end to
this?
Think about it:
It takes two to argue. Your child cannot "argue" by himself. That's called
"mumbling." Say it once: Practice stating your case, then being quiet. Ignore
your child's argumentative comments, and walk away if you must. Let your
child get used to your word being "final."
Let 'em complain a bit:
As long as it's respectful, sometimes let your child
have the last word. Often a statement, such as, "Why do I have to do it?"
doesn't require an answer, nor deserve one. Often, a child's mutterings really
mean, "I'll do it 'cus I have to, but I don't like it."
Set rules for debating:
Some children really do enjoy debating an issue. If your child is like this,
set ground rules for when and how issues can be debated. For instance: no
raising of voices, no name calling, quiet listening to the other person's
point of view. This behavior provides excellent practice for learning how
to negotiate in life. In addition, your child must understand that some things
cannot be argued, that there are some things the parents must decide. Have
a standard reply for when an issue cannot be debated, such as, "This is not
open for discussion."
Offer choices:
Get in the habit of offering your child choices, instead of issuing
commands. Children who are argumentative will have less opportunity to practice
the skill if you offer a choice. For example, instead of saying, "Do your
homework, right now," offer a choice, such as, "What would you like to do
first, your homework or the dishes?" (If the response is, "neither," you
can smile sweetly and say, "That wasn't one of the choices. Homework or
dishes?")
Question: My child talks back to me in such a disrespectful way
it leaves me speechless. How do I put a stop to this?
Think about it:
Back-talk is addictive, so must be handled as a serious offense. A
child who talks rudely to a parent once or twice and gets away with it will
continue the behavior, and it will progressively get worse. Most children
will attempt back-talk at some point. When a parent responds calmly and with
authority the behavior will stop.
Announce your expectations:
If a child has developed a habit of back-talk it will
take firm action to stop the behavior. Have a meeting with your child to
announce that back-talk will no longer be tolerated. Decide on a series of
consequences that will occur each time back-talk occurs. Consequences may
involve losing a privilege, such as telephone use, television watching or
visits with friends. There may be an additional chore, or an earlier bedtime.
Then announce the sequence in which the consequences will occur. "When you
talk back in a disrespectful way you will lose your telephone privileges
for the day. The second offense will cause you to lose your TV show for the
night. The third will . . . Each day will start with a clean slate." After
the meeting, calmly and firmly follow through.
Don't empower it:
Whenever a child talks back, immediately stop the conversation and walk out
of the room or walk away from the child. If the child follows you, calmly
and firmly announce that you will not tolerate disrespect, then pointedly
ignore the child. Later, when you have calmed down, decide on an appropriate
consequence for the back-talk.
Use a quarter-board:
Tape your child's allowance, in quarters, to a piece of cardboard. Tell your
child that each time he talks back to you he will lose a quarter from his
allowance as a "fine." He'll get what's left at the end of the week. If your
child uses up all the quarters, begin to add a chore, or eliminate a privilege
for each offense. Start fresh with each new week. This series of events is
meant to be a temporary "training" situation. When the problem seems under
control, let your child know that you appreciate his efforts to control the
back-talk, and that you'll no longer be charging the fine. However, make
it clear that if the behavior ever becomes a problem again, you'd be happy
to head to the bank for a roll of quarters.
Teach:
If a normally respectful child makes a disrespectful comment, look him in
the eye and make a serious, firm comment such as, "That is back-talk and
is not allowed." Continue the conversation as if the back-talk did not occur,
expecting the child to comply with your request. Do not empower the back-talk
by arguing the issue that triggered it.
(Excerpted with permission by NTC/Contemporary Publishing Group
Inc. from Perfect Parenting, The Dictionary of 1,000 Parenting Tips by Elizabeth
Pantley, copyright 1999)
