The Littleton, Colo., school killings should serve as a wake up call to us
all. We need to deepen our commitment to our children, helping them to find
love, not lose themselves under the devastating influence of hatred. "Let's
resolve to show our children how they are valuable and how to value others,"
comments Phillip Mountrose, author of Getting Thru to Kids: Problem
Solving with Children Ages 6-18 (Holistic Communications,
1.800.929.7889). Mr. Mountrose offers these suggestions:
1. Listen to your kids. Pay full attention when they speak. Validate
their thoughts, regardless if you disagree with what they say. When we don't
listen well to kids, communication breaks down. Then as we speak, they grow
resistant to hearing our words.
Listening to our children provides a healthy release for their intense feelings.
Our attention offers a natural outlet for them to express what they are going
through. Listening to a child sends the message: You are someone. Your thoughts
and feelings are important to me. I want to hear what you have to say. Children
are just like us. Life becomes far richer when we know that we are not alone,
and someone cares enough to listen to us.
Encourage kids to express feelings. All feelings are permissible. They are
an ongoing feedback of who they are. Feelings need to be acknowledged. Curiously
enough, both grieving and anger-management - prominent aspects of the Littleton
tragedy - involve knowing how to express emotions.
The goal is not only to express feelings, but also to know when and how to
express feelings. As we become more aware of our own feelings, we become
more aware of how others feel. The more children - and adults - can appropriately
express a full range of feelings, the more problems get solved. Our confidence
grows, and we are better equipped to live our lives and create a brighter
future.
2. Set limits. Although all feelings should be allowed, we need to
be clear that destructive behavior is unacceptable. Help children understand
safe and unsafe behavior and explore its consequences. Teaching healthy limits
by example and instruction is part of our most important roles with children.
We demonstrate respect for their things as part of the exchange. Consider
ways to set firm and reasonable boundaries, demonstrating them in a clear
and caring manner. Guide young people to know how to distinguish what is
helpful and what is hurtful, what is theirs and what is not theirs. Then
they function better in society - and are better prepared for the uncharted
boundaries their future will bring.
3. Teach inclusion. Part of valuing children is teaching them how
to include, rather than exclude, others. The lesson from Littleton, like
Kosovo, centers around people feeling excluded, be it due to school groupings
or ethnicity. When kids feel valued, they can more easily respect the differences
of others. Children sense they are a valuable part of the whole, as others
are. Then kids are likely to take constructive risks, not destructive ones.
For example, young people may express themselves artistically or stand up
for themselves without violating others. Teaching children means reaching
out to them. (For the free special report, "How to have Kids Believe in
Themselves," send a self-addressed stamped envelope to Holistic
Communications, PO 41152-SF, Sacramento, CA 95841-0152.
When children feel genuinely included, they no longer need to exclude others.
A lot of it starts with listening - not just when our children are teenagers,
but when our children are young. Studies have shown that when we listen to
our children, they progress better in school, get along more easily with
others, and even experience improved health. These children feel valued and
loved, creating a better, safer world for us all. The tragedy in Littleton
will hopefully wake us up to create a more loving world where we uphold the
sanctity of everyone.
