As parents, we often regret that our children look elsewhere for advice.
We wish out youngsters would come to us for a "heart to heart" talk or let
us know what "really" is bothering them.
This is a common problem with an easy solution. Establish scheduled family
meetings - a time set aside for nothing but talking, listening, and laughing.
After all, corporations do it annually, most businesses monthly, and city
councils get together weekly. Yet, the family - the foundation of our society
- rarely takes time from their hectic schedules to hold such sessions.
It will not be easy in the beginning - your kids might not want to miss their
favorite TV show or you may find it difficult to set aside 30 minutes when
everyone is "free." But the effort will be worth it.
Do not expect miracles. It probably will take several meetings before the
children embrace the concept and begin to open up. Here are some pointers
for successful family meetings:
* Set some ground rules: Pick one particular night and time agreeable to
all family members. Attendance is mandatory but no family member should be
forced to talk. Exclude toddlers and small children who might be disruptive
* Avoid dominating the meeting. Each family member should have an equal voice
so the kids feel safe in voicing their opinions. Mean and embarrassing comments
should not be permitted. However, a family is not a democracy. The kids should
know that the parents will have the final say. Stephen Covey, author of The
Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families, describes a family democracy this
way: "Democracy doesn't mean you always get your way. It means you always
get your say."
* Allow each family member an opportunity to lead the meeting and set the
agenda.
* Take the phone off the hook or let the answering machine tell callers that
the family is having a meeting and they should call back later.
* Subjects for family meetings can include anything from planning the next
family vacation, where to go for dinner this weekend, discussing chores,
sharing important news, resolving family conflicts, or just talking about
how the week is going.
* If possible, major problems that come up during the week should wait for
the family meeting if possible. This allows for discussion when tempers have
cooled.
* Parents should occasionally turn the tables and ask for their kids for
advice! For example, "do you think I should ask the boss for a raise?" or
"what color should our next car be?" or "what should we do for grandmas'
70th birthday?"
* Keep meetings brief. No more than 15 minutes for younger children and 30
minutes for teenagers
* Do not take votes on important issues. Try to reach an agreement with the
parents having the final word
* Always start the meeting with something positive. Go around the table and
have each family member say something nice about themselves or another family
member. Another way to start the meeting is to have each family member share
something that made them feel happy, sad, or mad during the week.
* Follow basic rules of courtesy, such as not allowing the speaker to be
interrupted or criticizing someone else's point of view.
* Never gang up on one family member or call an "emergency" meeting in the
middle of a messy argument. Instead, parents can say "you seem really upset.
Why don't you bring that up at our next family meeting?"
The regular family meeting can be an important step in reestablishing stronger
family ties. These discussions reinforce the concept of "us" in a society
dominated by the pronoun "I." Nancy Fuchs, author of the parenting book Our
Share of Night Our Share of Morning describes the importance of family meetings
this way: "Children learn that when they are hurting, the best resource in
the world is their family."
