Mommy, what does it mean to be gay?

Homosexuality is one of those “tough topics” that most parents would rather not talk about with their children. Not every mother or father is fully prepared to discuss such a sensitive topic with their youngsters. Many adults find the subject difficult and confusing, while other have strong moral or religious beliefs about lesbians and gays that they would rather wait until their children are much older to bring the issue up.

Yet a discussion about homosexuality is not one that parents can afford to sidestep. Children will eventually hear bout it. They may hear about it on the evening news when a reporter discusses a “gay pride” parade or a controversy over gays in the military resurfaces. Perhaps it will be on the school playground in the form of taunts when kids are being affectionate with each other. They may learn about it at school in courses designed to teach about sexuality or diversity in family relationships.

The bottom line is that children will hear about homosexuality, and if parents do not address the subject with their youngster’s, somebody else, who may not share the same views, will.

The first step in discussing any sensitive subject with your children is to learn the facts so that you can properly answer their questions.

Facts for Parents

What is heterosexuality? Homosexuality?
A heterosexual person, or someone who is "straight," is attracted to people of the opposite sex. A homosexual person, or someone who is "gay or lesbian," is attracted to people of the same sex.

What makes someone gay?
Some people believe gay people are born gay, while others believe they choose to be gay. Most researchers believe sexual orientation is complex, and that biology plays an important role. This means that many people are born with their sexual orientation, or that it’s established at an early age.

Can parents make a child gay?
You can’t raise a child to be gay. Nor can parents or therapists change a young person’s sexual orientation, just as they can’t change their eye color, race or height.

Is homosexuality unhealthy?
All sexual behaviors have health risks, and it’s important for teens to know this. But being gay does not make someone unhealthy or unhappy. What is unhealthy is prejudice against gays and lesbians.

Is homosexuality immoral?
Some religions continue to teach that homosexuality is immoral, and other spiritual communities and faiths accept people of all ages who are gay, lesbian and bisexual. No matter what your religious beliefs, a key value to share with your child is to treat all people with respect.

Helpful Tips for Parents

1. Listen. Listening carefully will help you to understand what your child really wants to know as well as what he or she already understands. It will keep you from talking above their heads and confusing them even further.

2. Talk about it again. Most young kids can only absorb small bits of information at a time. Let some time pass then ask your child to tell you what he or she remembers about your conversation. This will help you correct any misconceptions or fill in missing facts.

3. Relax. Don’t worry if you don’t have all the answers. You can always do a bit of research later What is important is how you respond. If you can convey the message that no subject - including sexual orientation - is forbidden in your home, you’ll do just fine.

4. Don’t wait for your child to bring up the subject seek out "talk opportunities." Although parents may agree that talking about sexual orientation with their kids is important, many don’t want to start with young children. But if you begin to talk with your child from an early age - with age-appropriate language - you’ll teach your child tolerance and respect. You can use "talk opportunities," like TV shows, experiences in your own life, or experiences in your child’s life to start a discussion. Teens tend to tune out more formal discussions anyway, often categorizing them as just another lecture from mom or dad. Keep an ear out for these "talk opportunities."

5. Starting the Discussion. So, how should a parent approach such a discussion? As casually and as directly and age appropriately as possible, experts say. "A 4 year old for example, doesn't need - or want - to hear the details of homosexual love making any more than they need to hear about the details of heterosexual intercourse." says Lloyd Sinclair, a Madison, Wisconsin sex educator and therapist.

   Instead, your first mention of it should take place when your child is 5 or 6 - perhaps sooner if your family knows a gay couple - and you might begin by saying that most of the time men fall in love with women and women fall in love with men, but sometimes men love men and women love other women and that's what people mean by the words gay, lesbian and homosexual.

   "When you speak informally about homosexuality to your child," says Sinclair, "you illustrate that you are open to questions and that you are the right person to ask even the most difficult ones." For this reason alone, it is wise to be prepared to discuss homosexuality with your child; it is also helpful to familiarize yourself with how much kids can understand at different ages.