Teasing cannot be prevented, and children cannot control what others
say; however, they can learn to control their own reactions. Parents can
teach their children the simple strategies listed below that will empower
them and reduce feelings of helplessness. When children realize that there
are effective strategies that they can use in teasing situations, their coping
skills are strengthened.
Self-talk. Encourage children to think about
what they can say to themselves when they are in a teasing situation. A child
could say to himself, "Even though I don’t like this teasing, I can
handle it." A child should ask himself, "Is the tease true?" Often it is
not. Another important question is, "Whose opinion is more important . .
. the teaser’s or mine?" It is also helpful for the teased child to
think about her positive qualities to counteract the negative remarks.
Ignore. Displays of anger or tears often invite
more teasing; therefore, it is often effective for children to ignore the
teaser. The child who is being teased should not look at or respond to the
teaser. Children should try to pretend that the teaser is invisible and act
as if nothing has happened. If possible, walking away from the teaser is
encouraged. Parents can role play "ignoring" with their children and praise
children for their excellent "acting." It should be noted that ignore-ing
may not be effective in prolonged teasing situations.
The I message. The "I message" is an assertive
way for children to effectively express their feelings. The child expresses
how he feels, what has caused him to feel that way, and what he would like
others to do differently. For example, a child could say, "I feel upset when
you make fun of my glasses. I would like you to stop." This strategy generally
works better when expressed in a more structured or supervised situation,
such as a classroom. When used in other situations, such as recess or on
the school bus, it may lead to more teasing when the teaser perceives the
child being teased is upset. Nevertheless, it is an easy skill to teach children
to help them deal with many situations. The child should learn to make eye
contact, speak clearly, and use a polite tone of voice.
Visualization. Many young children respond well to visualizing
words "bouncing off" of them. It provides them with the image of not having
to accept or believe what is said. This image can be created by showing how
Nerf balls bounce off a person. Another effective visualization is for a
child to pretend he has a shield around him that helps the teases and bad
words bounce off. Again, this technique gives children the message that they
can refuse these put-downs.
Reframing. Reframing is changing one’s perception about
the negative comment; it is turning the teasing into a compliment. For example,
a child teases another about her glasses, "Four eyes, four eyes, you have
four eyes." The child being teased could politely respond, "Thanks for notice-ing
my glasses!" The teaser is usually confused, especially when there is not
a reaction of anger or frustration. Another child might respond to a tease
by saying, "That is a great put-down."
Agree with the facts. Agreeing with the facts can be one of
the easiest ways to handle an insult or tease. The teaser says, "You have
so many freckles." The teased child responds, "Yes, I have a lot of freckles."
The teaser taunts, "You are such a cry baby." The teased child can answer,
"I do cry easily." Agreeing with facts usually eliminates the feeling of
wanting to hide the freckles or the tears.
"So?" The response of "so?" to the teaser conveys an indifference
that the tease doesn’t matter. Children find this response simple yet
quite effective. This strategy is humorously addressed in Bill Cosby’s
book The Meanest Thing to Say.
Respond to the tease with a compliment. When a child is teased,
it is often effective to respond with a compliment. For example, if a child
is teased about the way he runs, he can answer, "You are a fast runner."
Use humor. Humor shows that little importance is placed on
the put-downs or mean remarks. Laughing can often turn a hurtful situation
into a funny one.
Ask for help. At times, it is necessary for a child to seek
adult assistance or intervention if the teaser is persistent.
Reprinted from ERIC Digest EDO-PS-99-7 by Judy S. Freeman.
ERIC Digests are in the public domain and may be freely reproduced. Additional
Copies can be printed from the Pediatric
Development and Behavior Homepage,. Read the whole article at
http://ericeece.org/pubs/digests/1999/freed99.html
