My 3 and a half has just recently been saying that he hate or does not like me when he does not get his way. What should I do when he does this? Should I act like I did not hear him, or should I tell him that that is not nice and it really hurts my feelngs when he says stuff like that?

Nothing will trigger anger, shame, shock and perhaps a sense of inadequacy faster than when a child tells his or her parents "I hate you!." It's hard to hear someone you love tell you that he hates you and not take it rather personally. Children know this. They figure out, often at a very early age, that this is a short-cut to a lot of attention (negative attention though it may be) and often to getting their own way. The first thing parents should do is to resist your first impulse - to tell the child how this statement "really hurts me, and it is not nice to hurt someone's feelings."  Instead, acknowledge the child's reason for the statement: "You sound pretty angry," "You must be upset about somethinng or even "I understand why you are mad." Then immediately disengage--especially if you find yourself getting upset. Watch out for the temptation to hurt back. Saying "I hate you too, sometimes!" may be exactly what you are feeling at the moment, but it won't help you or your child . Simply tell the child you love him/her and then walk away, leaving the door open for further discussions with your child at a later, and calmer, time: "Let's talk about this in a little bit." Later you can explain to the child that he/she knows the child loves him/her but the parent will not accept disrespectful behavior. The child needs to clearly understand that saying, "I hate you" is not an acceptable thing to say to her parent.

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