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See Saw - Feedback From Our Parents

The discussion is:
On Tuesday your 13-year old daughter announces to the family that she has a date with a 16-year old "boy friend" on Friday. How do you respond? What do you say?

  • I say if a 16 year old boy is coming to my house to see my 13 year old daughter, he best be delivering a pizza!

  • I have told my children they can not date until they are at least 16 and then it will be with a chaparone. I don't feel 13 is old enough to be dating & certainaly not with a 16 yr old boy who may influence her to do something she is not ready for.

  • If there are parents out that would even consider allowing their 13yr old daughter to date then they must be nuts! I have been preparing my daughter for life since she was born so that hopefully she'll know (in theory) what life is about and can make a rational decision before she may put herself in an acquired situation. I was not allowed to date until I was 16, my mother was not and so on, therefore my daughter is not and she is very well aware of this. She has known about the "birds and bees" for quite some time. We have watched shows on TV to show the consequences of actions of young girls who do make decisions on their own without the consent of their parents. So even though I am somewhat of a strict parent, I know that I have given her the information about what can happen and the results of choices some girls have made. I keep telling myself- you have lived a good life, done a lot of things and now it's time to put forth the effort whether you want to or not, for your child/children. It is time to put your life on hold and really concentrate on your children and hopefully when they have lives of their own you can resume yours and reap the benefits!

  • In our home, our children, ages 3, 8 and almost 13 aren't allowed to make plans with friends unless they ask permission from Mom or Dad first. So far, that's a readily accepted rule.Even if it wasn't an established household rule in this home, I would immediately make it effective. Although the maturity level of young teens certainly varies widely from one youth to the next, I don't believe any child of 13 in American society should be allowed to spend an evening out unchaperoned with a friend of the opposite sex, regardless of the other youngster's age. And at this age, a three year difference (13-16) is more than I would be comfortable with. If I approved of the friendship, however, I would tell her that when the young man stops by to speak to me about it, I would be happy to check our schedules to see if Dad or Mom had time to chaperone. My guess is, the typical 16-year old boy would soon find a "girlfriend" closer to his own age!

  • First and foremost dating, at age thirteen, is totally out of the question. This is something my husband and I have always made clear from the start. I would however ask her many questions...starting with why she has a date, what she thinks a date is, why she is interested in a 16 yr. old and many other questions. I have to say it is very important to actually listen to her answers and hear what she says before going off the deep-end. It could be she is really asking for more attention from her family or a cry for help for some problems in her life.

  • I would tell her that she cannot date anyone until we meet the boy and get acquainted with him first. I would tell her possible outcomes of dating to prepare her, and I would want to know the boys intentions towards her and where they plan to go. Of course, they'd have an early curfew

  • I would say, "Good idea - which movie will WE be seeing?" More than likely, with her knowing the rules on dating, she will say, "never mind!"

  • Absolutely too young! This is practically a middle school girl wanting to go out with a high school student. There is a huge difference in maturity between the two ages. This could lead to early sexual experiences for the girl and undoubtedly lead to trouble in some form or another. I would gently but firmly let the girl know this is unacceptable then give her the age she would be allowed to date (and the age group from which the person she would be dating should come from).

  • First of all why does the young woman announce that she has a date instead of asking if it would be ok? I think the answer depends a lot on the young adults involved? How mature is she, how well do you know the young man or his family? Is he a long time family friend? or someone you have never met? All children mature at their own rate and in some instances 3 years is a lot and in some it is not. Where do they plan on going and who all is going? Before a definite "NO" is given many questions will need to be answered. One of which is how old were you when you started dating? The old saying "rules are made to be broken" just might fit here. My family rule was no dates until I was 16 but I met and started dating my husband when I was only 15 and he was 20. It all depends on the people involved! Before I said "No" I would say lets talk about it and let me meet him (if I hadn't already). Maybe a good alternative would be to go with them to a multiple movie theater. At least that way you both would have some security and she would feel like you trusted her.

  • That discussion depends on how well you can trust your daughter, how mature she is and if you know this boy or his parents. Is there a group going or will they be alone? If they were going to be alone and I did not know the boy or his parents then my daughter would not be going. If I felt that she was mature enough and they were with a group or I knew the boy then let her go and have a good time, with an early curfew. Lets face it kids are growing up faster then we want them to. Something else to consider, how old were you when you started dating? There is no right answer to this dilemma. It has a lot to do with the individual children involved.

  • That's great honey but you know we said you couldn't car date until you were 16. How about if you & your boyfriend rent a movie & watch it in the family room & Dad & I will give you some privacy? We'd really like to meet him. Tell us about him. In reality I think 13 is too young to date, however girls do mature quicker these days & want to grow up all too quick. I think a happy medium is always better then a flat out no which can make some teens rebel. This would also prompt "the talk" in the near future if not already had as well as the setting for some ground rules if they weren't already set. I myself was a 12-13 year old, developing earlier then all my friends & know 1st hand of the early requests for dates. My parents were very strict & only visits on the front porch were allowed, if that. (They peeked out the window). Today's parents must choose their battles wisely & keep the line of communication open with their children. By all means set limits & boundaries, but remember what it was like when they were young as well & see if they can't be more creative with their choices then their parents were.

  • First of all, I will start talking to her when she is about 10...saying that her first date will not happen until she is 16, and then it has to be a double date. Plus, the boy has to be her age. No good comes from dating an older boy at that age. I think the 13-yr. old in your discussion question was no doubt testing her parents to see what her teenage limits would be. Most kids want & need limits.

  • I would ask my daughter to invite the 16 year old boy over and tell her that we would like to meet him before they go on their "date". I would tell the boy during his visit that we would be taking them to and from the movie. If he has a problem with that rule, then he has no business dating my daughter.

  • I would ask her where she met this boy, how long she has known him, and who he is... then remind her that the family rules are no dating until she is 16, and that any "friends" of either sex are welcome to visit her at home, provided the are the same age group.

  • Under no circumstances will she be permitted to make dates at that age, let alone keep them.

  • I think if my daughter is raised according to our beliefs and rules, then she will already know that this is just not an option... and that this date will definitely not be acceptable...

  • The rules should be set well before a teen begins to date. And the rules should be fairly strict, taking into consideration the troubles teens get into these days. My daughters are not teens yet, but they already know that when they begin to date, an escort and conservative dress is non-negotiable. In addition I will meet the boys before any dates, and any infraction of the rules will bring a punishment. In addition I always tell them, if a boy really cares for them, they will follow my rules, and they will persist to win your heart. They should not have any doubts: those were the same rules their father as a young man had to adhere to court and marry their mother.

  • First I would count to ten mentally and take a deep breath. Then I would ask a few questions about the boy and the plan. I would try to acknowledge her feelings that it is cool when an older boy is attracted to you and then I'd explain that I feel this activity is too grown up for a 13 year old.

  • I would tell her that she is not old enough to date alone, but that she could go somewhere in a group that is chaperoned. Of course, this would not be news to her as those ground rules would have already been established. I feel that there is plenty of time for kids to date, and often times we rush them through childhood by letting them do everything too early. Children need to be children longer, and relationships with the opposite sex should be minimized until at least age 16. They should also date kids their own age with the same development and maturity level.

  • I would explain to her that she is too young to date. I would, however, discuss with her (if not previously done) at what age she may start dating. One resolution: she may "date" someone her age group (12-14) but only with a parent accompanying.

  • Sorry, but you know that you are not allowed to date until you are sixteen.

  • I think that 13 years is a little young to start "dating" and would tell her "no." I would explain to her the reasons for my opinion and then give her an opportunity to give us some acceptable alternatives, for example, have the young man over to the house for dinner, or invite him to join the family for an evening out at a restaurant, or another family activity, etc.

  • I would say no. Family policy: No solo dates until 17. I'd site family policy, and concern about maturity and age difference. I'd also call parents of 16 year old discretely to discuss.

  • First problem: she did not ask, but announced she had a date. I would say she could not go to the movies with her friend (why don't I know about him?) I would say that her boy friend could come over and watch videos with her at home so we could get to know him. I think there is too much of a developmental difference between a 16-year old and a 13-year old.

  • I would tell her that she is not allowed to date or "go out" until she is a little older, however, if they would like to rent a movie, her boyfriend would be more than welcome to spend the evening at our home.

  • First of all - my 13 year old daughter would not say that - my husband and I have rules that our chilfren are not allowed to date until they are 16 yrs old. A 13 yr old girl is not mature enough to be responsible for a date let alone the consequences as a result to a date with an older boy gone bad. And if i have not done so by now it it time for the birds and bees!!

  • First of all, my children know that they are not allowed to go out on dates until they 16, and even then, one-on-one dating would be discouraged. Secondly, children do not "announce" anything, she can't go anywhere without asking first. I would say, "You know you can not date yet, so if you want, you can have that boy over for dinner with the family, but then he needs to go right home afterwards."

  • hey I am 16 and I am going to have a 13/14 year old girl friend; not all guys are going out with girls for sex! Ii am a A student and all we do is go to the movies and and hang out with our friends

  • First of all why does she HAVE a 16 yr old boyfriend! Secondly she does not announce she should be asking your permission to go on a date with anyone,a chaparoned date.Don't panic but a short date with you around would be ok and just know that your input now will send a msge and set the tone for future boyfriends to come

  • Ok so like most of the parents it would take me back for a moment. For us parents a girls first date is a big ordeal to us as well as them. I DO NOT however think that a flat out NO would be appropriate. That would only disconcren her feelings and we have a common understanding that respect is a 2 way street so I would respect the fact that she likes the boy and would ask A LOT of questions as to why she likes him what makes him attractive to her. Then I would let her know that leaving in a car with him I'm not comfortable with but he is more than welcome to come over and eat dinner with us and they can hang out in the living room/ family room and watch movies by there self. This way I'm respecting her feelings and she is respecting mine. There has to be a common ground because if this is a boy she has really fallen for girls will do WHATEVER to see him talk to him etc..I'm a young mom and remember what it was like to like a boy. More than likly he will come over they will hang out for month or so and they will break up for some reason or quit talkin. Because there kids and that's what kids do by me saying no its only gonna make her persue him that much longer and more than likly rebel against me and that I certainly do not want. Her father on the other hand he's already made it clear that even @ the age of 30 he dosent want a guy near her so this is gonna be my area obviously. Kinda funny since I was 23 and he was 21 when I had her.

  • One my 13 year old would NOT be having a 16 year old Boyfriend and Two She would NOT be going out anywhere with a boy alone. so One I would say NO. then I would tell her if she ever came in and TOLD me what she was doing again. without asking she would find her self Grounded for a Month .. Simply 13 year old girls are NOT mature enough to be able to tell her BOY friend NO and then you have a 13 year old girl pregnant. and a 16 year old father. my house growing up even at 16 I had to double date with my stepsister. with a 10 pm curfew

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